Viv le Diff
I have often wondered why some people insist that men and women are basically the same. Over a life time, I have observed that they are not. Not even close. However, being a man, I worried that perhaps my judgement was biased by my preference for the male side of the equation. I recognize that possibility, but reject it, due to my inherent overall sense of fair play. Unlike my female friends who support the feminine side of things, no matter what the facts may be. Women, for some reason, have little to no sense of fairness. They want what they want when the want it, until they get it. Then after they achieve their prize, they frequently decide that it is not quite right after all, and ignore it, or return it. A few items get hidden in a closet, never to be seen again. Go figure. I have a sister-in-law who hides shoes. She doesn’t wear them, just hides them under the bed in hopes that her husband will not discover her stash. Like a special 401K, they are for some future use.

The rightness, or fairness of a situation, does not intrude on female thinking. Actual need, is another criteria they have no concern for. Wall to wall carpet, covered by several throw rugs makes perfect sense to the feminine mind. Then when it all matches perfectly, they will pull it all out and buy some hardwood flooring, only to be covered by more throw rugs. Properly coordinated of course. Makes sense to me. This action will take place in home after home until they all have hardwood floors and a new batch of throw rugs. Then, one of the girls will see some decorator on TV praising (you guessed it) carpet of all things. Guess what happens now?
Another common activity shared by all is the need to apply new paint in rooms that no one has set foot in since the house was built. Not a finger print or crack to be seen. Paint in perfect condition, except that it needs to be "updated". Another one of those TV decorators is wild about yellow, so look out walls. I guarantee that if one paints, they all will. The number one contributor to this problem is of course the phone. If a man were to paint his room, it would concern no one else. He would quietly put away the tools and brushes, and move on to something else. The paper, a little TV, a good movie, and to bed.

A woman on the other hand will call all of her acquaintances and relate the entire ordeal of the paint job. This tale begins with the initial discovery on HGTV that she needed to update. It ends with the nearly frantic cry that the color doesn’t look right with the window treatment currently in place. Huh Oh. Of course, the final touch is to plead for the friend to come over, as she needs another opinion before putting the furniture back. "Is it too green? Should the trim be lighter? The curtains won’t look right, will they? Does it make the hallway look dark? Do you think it will make me look fat when I bend over to pour the tea?" This questioning phase last for a good fifteen minutes until finally they both agree to like it. Super! But it won’t end there, no sir, not yet anyway. Calls to one and all must be promptly initiated. Mom will have to see it, and several more neighbors and friends before it can be certified as the official new room color. Even that amount of attention will not secure it’s future. I estimate that paint to have a life expectancy not much longer than the day it took to put it on the wall.

"Come over and see it", she said. Women have no shame, or sense of propriety when it comes to showing off. Little boys grow out of the need to ride with no hands, and jump off of fences in front of their friends to gain attention. After a while they realize that it is unseemly and they quit it. Girls never learn how tacky it is to invite people over, and before they get their coats off, drag them on a tour of the house. As if anybody else wanted to see your bedroom. The guest came to see you, not to inspect your new pillow shams in the guest room. Another previously mentioned diversion, is to ask all their female friends over in order to, "Get their opinion." One by one, a woman will drag her friends in to see the new couch, or the kitchen table. "Do you think it matches the carpet?", she will innocently ask. Knowing all along that it does. "Do you think it’s too big?" The questions and commentary continue until the guest body language lets everyone know that she has heard enough about the new furniture, that is obviously better than her own. So, let the games begin. This situation would escalate out of control, if it weren’t for the fact that money is a limiting factor on them both. For now, "Lady A has the advantage."
I have come to the conclusion, that it is not about the paint, or the carpet, or the furniture.. It is about my stuff is now better than yours. The rest is a diversion to keep people from thinking that they are showing off. They don’t want other points of view, they want confirmation of their own. A vastly different thing. Come look at my stuff, and tell me I did good. That is what they are really saying.

For most of my life, I had thought that this was a learned behavior that they picked up from each other. But now I think they are born with it. The reason for this change of mind, is the twin grand-children my wife and I take care of several times each week. We are lucky enough to have a boy and a girl to observe and enjoy. They are six years old, and really fun to watch. The boy is like all boys, playful and easy going for the most part. Willing to help, and willing to share. If you ask for a bite of his ice cream, he will hold up the spoon for you to take a bite. The girl, no chance. She will respond in no uncertain terms that, "It is mine. You can’t have any." This concept follows through to later life, and gets worse as time goes by. Now I am not making this up. I have seen a woman buy a pair of shoes, just to keep one of their friends from buying them. Mine, Mine, Mine. It starts in childhood and gets worse.

This example of female behavior is routed in the need to have whatever someone else is enjoying. They really can’t stand for someone else to appear more content, or happy with what they are doing, or with what they have. If one gets a new ring, you can bet that her friends will be at the jewelry counter in the morning, trying to out-do, or at least match their friend’s performance. I think envy is the technical term. Woman, seem to make a career of it. Men on the other hand will look wistfully at a friends new car, maybe comment that it looks good, then forget it and go on their way.

Men handle the acquisition of material things differently. A man will get a new car, and wait patiently for his friends, or co-workers to notice it on their own. He will park in the lot at work, get out and walk in the office, never mentioning the new car. Eventually someone will notice and comment on it. He will act casually, as if it is no big deal, just a new car. The message is conveyed to one and all, that he is not a show off, and an overall good guy. Not the type to lord his good fortune over others. Why can’t women be like that? Instead of taking every opportunity to trump their friends and neighbors, with a blatant display of new stuff. The constant jockeying for position in society, through the acquisition of goods, and the construction of a bigger nest, is truly disgusting to watch.

I believe the root cause of it all is that women have no understanding of spacial relationships. They really have no sense of how small they are in the overall scheme of things. They actually live in a world where they think their activities matter. A women’s view of the world consist of her immediate area, and her circle of friends. How this unit relates to the rest of the world and the surrounding universe is not a consideration. This leads to the misconception that what she does is important, and that the rest of us are just waiting to hear about it. Men on the other hand learn early about their place in the world, and have the mental capacity to realize that what they do or acquire, will not make much difference to anything of consequence. The universe is too big to care about their new shoes. Therefore, they don’t bring up the subject. To reach this point however, you must have some understanding of the size of the universe. Women do not. As I said, a spacial relationship problem, magnitude one.

I am reminded of the song from My Fair Lady. Why can’t a woman be more like a man? Indeed, why not? Everyone’s phone bill would certainly be much lower. The general level of aggravation in the world would be way down. Men would no longer have to dread hearing about their neighbors new carpet for three nights running. I am willing to speculate that even wars would be fewer, and settled faster. Again, because the relative leaders of the countries involved wouldn’t have to go home after a hard day of missile launching, and hear a constant harangue about his sister in laws new furniture, and the shabby condition of his own. I am not exaggerating. Nothing so influences the behavior of men, as the level of noise he has to endure at home. Is it any wonder the world is in constant turmoil? It all stems from the fact that the ladies want a never ending stream of stuff, and men don’t want to hear about any of it.

This points out a fundamental difference in thinking, and communication. Woman, when relating the details of the neighbors new carpet, think they are just being conversational. Just passing on information. Men hear it as an attack on their ability to provide for the family. When she goes on and on about what other people have, and what she now needs, he hears it as an attack on his ability to provide. It becomes a put down on his manhood, a cause for aggravation. Next thing you know we’re at war again. Why even old Sadam fell prey to the women in his life. You think he wanted all of those palaces. Not a chance. It was just to keep the harem girls happy, and reasonably separated from each other. You get two women together and they start comparing who has the best bedroom suite. What’s a guy to do? Obviously, build another palace. Separate the girls as best you can. When all else failed, he thumbed his nose at the UN, and hoped for an invasion. Like I said, at war again. The explosions make it easy to ignore any talk of new furniture.

Some may think by the tone of my writing that I am somehow against women in general. Not at all. I love em! They make the world go round, and make the trip interesting. I am lead kicking and screaming into updating things that need updating. Left alone, men would eat off the same plate until they caught ptomain and died. We would sit on the same chair until the springs cut our butts to ribbons, setting up an infection that would go untreated because no one insisted that we go to the doctor. No, overall the ladies keep order, and force scientific advancement by nagging their husbands into finding solutions for problems that would otherwise be overlooked. As much as I might like to deny it, most of the modern conveniences we enjoy probably came about from some gal nagging her husband to find a way to fix something for her. We can thank the ladies for running water, modern heating and air conditioning, refrigerators and stoves, automobiles, and supermarkets. All of which came about because a woman somewhere wanted the cave cooler in the summertime, and a way to get water without carrying it from the spring.

It just goes to show ya. A guy will do almost anything for a few moments peace.